When will my reflection show who I am inside – Mulan movie



I am ALWAYS waking up between 3am-5am…I know why…and I’m working on it!

What time do you always wake up in the middle of the night and what is that trying to tell you? Click the link below to find out:

It never fails, and I'm not exaggerating…every night, for as long as I remember, I wake up in the middle of the night and the clock always reads a time between 3am-5am. EVERY night. And then my anxiety kicks in and I end up being up until I have to get up at 6 for my "job".

I am a believer in a higher power, not a religion, but a higher, spiritual power that connects us all to what is life. After reading this article, and other articles explaining the same thing…I believe it more than ever.

I have been slaving away in the corporate world as an accountant for a bank. Not contributing a damn thing to society. It drains me knowing my existence in that job is meaningless. That's the main cause of my anxiety…wondering if my purpose is more than just a 9-5 office worker. It's not.

A couple of years ago I successfully obtained my license to become a massage therapist. I found such a satisfaction in helping people. The gratitude I received made me smile with each client I helped. Knowing that I was on my way to becoming a healer. Being an individual whose purpose was to ease the pain of others. But unfortunately, the issue of money deterred me away of making it a career. So, back to the office I remained…unfulfilled and feeling worthless…letting my massage therapy license expire. Now where is my life going? More anxious days and nights I suppose. No! I will not make that my life!

I am currently in the process of re-activating my license so I can start practicing massage therapy again. Promote myself. Work for myself. Heal people again. Ease the anxiety in others. I know I won't be making the same money, but when you live for passion, the money will come to you. I will love with more satisfaction, with more happiness, knowing that I am a contributing member of the world.

Listen to your instinct. Listen to what calls you. Go to it. Whatever makes you happy, live for it. Don't live the dreams of others. Live yours.

Thank you Donald for actually making America great again. For every bill you try to pass, people stand up against it. For every order you propose, more people protest it. For every immoral action you take, people are realizing their strength and rising up. You are starting movements all across America, and even across the world. Leaders, politicians, and even people from your own party are realizing what they truly stand for. Slowly, people are starting to really realize the true meaning of bigotry and are taking a stand. People are resisting because of you. People are fighting for what's right because of you. For every immoral, unethical action you try to put into place…people are pushing back ten-fold. Thank you for giving people a stage for which they can rise up higher…thank you for giving us reasons to become even STRONGER than before!


Heavy Mind

My mind gets heavier day by day. The weight of the world on my shoulders? No, the weight of my thoughts are heavier on my shoulders. When the world's problems around you seem minimal compared to the problems your mind is producing, it's a daunting feeling to figure out what the truth is.

You are not alone.

Battle scars

What do you do when you feel hopeless in life? When you feel your job is meaningless and you cannot find any way out in order to make a better life? Don't get me wrong, I know I'm a great person and a caring individual. I don't know why I was put on this earth. I don't just want a "job". I want meaning. Am I concentrating too hard on trying to align my passion with my life with a career…or is it as simple as finding out what makes me happy?

I've done the entire college life…messed that up by pursuing a major for job security and financial stability. I never took my passion/happiness into consideration. Then, not too long ago, I attempted grad school for a major that I was passionate about. Ended up dropping because I just couldn't do the college thing again! Papers. Classroom lectures. Taking pointless courses that have nothing to do with my desires. Going into even more debt. I don't want to do the college life again.

I could work on getting my massage license re-activated…but massage therapy is rarely a financially stable job. So much stress put on your body for too little compensation. I did love helping people and promoting relaxation. What else am I good at…besides overthinking in my head and getting myself down.

These are just the surface layer of the daily thoughts that go through my head daily.

My night’s sleep

It was actually a full night's sleep. Something else had happened…which made me happy and excited…I woke up in the middle of the night, finding myself downstairs at my parent's home. I was dreading looking at my phone and seeing that it was 3am or even 5:30am, since I had to get up at 6am. I looked at the time, and it was 11:10pm…yes!! I still had more than enough time to go back to sleep and have a restful night's sleep. I went upstairs to my old room all excited and happy that I didn't have to stress about the next day just yet. I got into my room and pulled down the covers to crawl into bed. And then…my alarm went off. I woke up for real…at 6am…in my room at my apartment here. Really? It was all a dream. I turned my alarm off, looked up at the ceiling and thought…are you kidding me? Anxiety sets in.

Upside of this, my anxiety didn't wake me up and keep me up during the night. Downfall, my alarm woke me up from a dream that was giving me such a happy feeling. There's always something.

Now at work, being bombarded by emails, people, and requests…I'll find some way of making this day as great as I can, somehow.

Anxiety Alert!

I've learned that you have to identify when your anxiety starts and what is causing it.

So, as I sit here after an incredible weekend in my hometown filled with family fun and amazing times, my anxiety has just started to kick in. The cause: the work week, my job, and the unfulfilling duties I perform. Working as an accountant for a big bank does not bring joy to anyone…only the top executives making millions by you love THEIR dream. It makes me feel like I have nothing to offer. The corporate policies that strip away my individuality and my freedom 8 hours each day.

But how do I fix it? Quit…then how do I make it work on a financial level? The job security and financial stability is comfortable. But life isn't really fulfilling living in the comfort zone. Another option, find another job. But why would I leave one finance job for another finance job when accounting and finance isn't even the least bit interesting to me? It's rare to find someone who wakes up each day saying "I cannot wait to crunch numbers, staple papers, and provide audit with proof that you're following protocol."

I know it's their job to make sure you're doing your job. I understand that.

I just can't feel good about having this job…and notice how I don't call it a career…a job is just getting paid for performing duties. A career is getting paid to live your passion with the desire to grow and learn more.

Will I ever find my passion? Will I ever find my career?

All I know is that I'll be up in the middle of the night with the attacks of anxiety and overthinking preventing me from going back to sleep until I have to wake up at 6am.

I've identified one of my triggers. And if I want to continue to live with these feelings, I just need to keep living this way til the day I day. But if I want to change my future, if I want to stop this anxiety trigger, I need to take steps to venture a different road.

But how and what? There's no easy answer. And there is no single answer either. I want to give back. I want to help people. I want to make a difference in the world.

Holding me back…

Would love to write about my nights sleep last night…about how the anxiety killed my peace, yet again. But, this job I'm working, which gives me no satisfaction, is keeping me from doing what I want. It's a job, people say. Exactly…it's JUST a job. Maybe I'll write about what's on my mind tonight when I'm in a relaxed state of mind. I just want to put my thoughts out there!