Being dependent on the number one prescribed psychiatric medications has been my deal over the past couple of years. That doesn’t mean I haven’t been struggling my heart pounding through my chest, the sleepless nights, and the constant hopeless overthinking for only that amount of time. I was never one to support big pharma and their business in keeping people hooked on their drugs. However, I felt like it has been the only thing to calm this gut wrenching feeling that comes out of nowhere.
Sometimes it comes out of nowhere, while other times it comes from my over-thinking, over-worked, and exhausted, racing mind. Stop Overthinking, they say. Well, tell me about your overthinking first before you tell me to stop. It’s easier said than done. My mind is like trying to tread deep water, sometimes you feel you don’t know how to swim, so you sink deeply into it. Sometimes, you can swim and tread that water…but only for so long before you become totally exhausted. No one is there to save you, only yourself. And sometimes it feels like the only lifeguards around are those who haven’t swam a day in their lives, so they have no idea how to save you. I have not drowned yet, I have not given up, I can breathe under the water that I’m sinking into. Xanax seems to be my current life vest…and yes, I am wearing that life vest right now. I want to learn how to swim without it, but, the struggles are real. I’m fighting every day, trying to learn.
What makes my mind race? Numerous things…and don’t think I can totally explain to you why these thoughts make my mind race. My job. My past regrets. My future. My relationship. Having no idea what my life’s purpose is. Feeling like I am stuck with the current life I have an that there is no way out. Taking my dog outside and encountering people. Making small talk with people. Comparing my life to others’. There are so many things that trigger my heart pound, my breath to shorten, my gut to twist and turn, my body temperature to heat up, and to feel like there’s a 50 pound boulder on my chest.
Can you relate? I keep holding on to those saying like “It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey” or “Things will work out in the end, have faith” and, my favorite is the one that recommends in order for you to be happy is to let go of the over-thinking. Okay. Poof. I will. My anxiety is cured! Only if it was that easy.
Each day I struggle with anxiety, and I know a lot of people do too. Also, a lot of people think it’s just a “condition” for people to use as an excuse for them to play the victim. It’s so easy to use anxiety as an excuse, people say. Well, my word to you, don’t judge if you’ve never experienced this before. Like with people saying that ADHD, gluten allergies, or fibromyalgia is bullshit and just an excuse for people to excuse bad behavior or just an excuse for people to complain…look, if you have never experienced these conditions personally, then you have no room to judge…step back and do you.