My night’s sleep

It was actually a full night's sleep. Something else had happened…which made me happy and excited…I woke up in the middle of the night, finding myself downstairs at my parent's home. I was dreading looking at my phone and seeing that it was 3am or even 5:30am, since I had to get up at 6am. I looked at the time, and it was 11:10pm…yes!! I still had more than enough time to go back to sleep and have a restful night's sleep. I went upstairs to my old room all excited and happy that I didn't have to stress about the next day just yet. I got into my room and pulled down the covers to crawl into bed. And then…my alarm went off. I woke up for real…at 6am…in my room at my apartment here. Really? It was all a dream. I turned my alarm off, looked up at the ceiling and thought…are you kidding me? Anxiety sets in.

Upside of this, my anxiety didn't wake me up and keep me up during the night. Downfall, my alarm woke me up from a dream that was giving me such a happy feeling. There's always something.

Now at work, being bombarded by emails, people, and requests…I'll find some way of making this day as great as I can, somehow.

Anxiety Alert!

I've learned that you have to identify when your anxiety starts and what is causing it.

So, as I sit here after an incredible weekend in my hometown filled with family fun and amazing times, my anxiety has just started to kick in. The cause: the work week, my job, and the unfulfilling duties I perform. Working as an accountant for a big bank does not bring joy to anyone…only the top executives making millions by you love THEIR dream. It makes me feel like I have nothing to offer. The corporate policies that strip away my individuality and my freedom 8 hours each day.

But how do I fix it? Quit…then how do I make it work on a financial level? The job security and financial stability is comfortable. But life isn't really fulfilling living in the comfort zone. Another option, find another job. But why would I leave one finance job for another finance job when accounting and finance isn't even the least bit interesting to me? It's rare to find someone who wakes up each day saying "I cannot wait to crunch numbers, staple papers, and provide audit with proof that you're following protocol."

I know it's their job to make sure you're doing your job. I understand that.

I just can't feel good about having this job…and notice how I don't call it a career…a job is just getting paid for performing duties. A career is getting paid to live your passion with the desire to grow and learn more.

Will I ever find my passion? Will I ever find my career?

All I know is that I'll be up in the middle of the night with the attacks of anxiety and overthinking preventing me from going back to sleep until I have to wake up at 6am.

I've identified one of my triggers. And if I want to continue to live with these feelings, I just need to keep living this way til the day I day. But if I want to change my future, if I want to stop this anxiety trigger, I need to take steps to venture a different road.

But how and what? There's no easy answer. And there is no single answer either. I want to give back. I want to help people. I want to make a difference in the world.

Holding me back…

Would love to write about my nights sleep last night…about how the anxiety killed my peace, yet again. But, this job I'm working, which gives me no satisfaction, is keeping me from doing what I want. It's a job, people say. Exactly…it's JUST a job. Maybe I'll write about what's on my mind tonight when I'm in a relaxed state of mind. I just want to put my thoughts out there!

How do you begin to explain this feeling…

Being dependent on the number one prescribed psychiatric medications has been my deal over the past couple of years. That doesn’t mean I haven’t been struggling my heart pounding through my chest, the sleepless nights, and the constant hopeless overthinking for only that amount of time. I was never one to support big pharma and their business in keeping people hooked on their drugs. However, I felt like it has been the only thing to calm this gut wrenching feeling that comes out of nowhere.

Sometimes it comes out of nowhere, while other times it comes from my over-thinking, over-worked, and exhausted, racing mind. Stop Overthinking, they say. Well, tell me about your overthinking first before you tell me to stop. It’s easier said than done. My mind is like trying to tread deep water, sometimes you feel you don’t know how to swim, so you sink deeply into it. Sometimes, you can swim and tread that water…but only for so long before you become totally exhausted. No one is there to save you, only yourself. And sometimes it feels like the only lifeguards around are those who haven’t swam a day in their lives, so they have no idea how to save you. I have not drowned yet, I have not given up, I can breathe under the water that I’m sinking into. Xanax seems to be my current life vest…and yes, I am wearing that life vest right now. I want to learn how to swim without it, but, the struggles are real. I’m fighting every day, trying to learn.

What makes my mind race? Numerous things…and don’t think I can totally explain to you why these thoughts make my mind race. My job. My past regrets. My future. My relationship. Having no idea what my life’s purpose is. Feeling like I am stuck with the current life I have an that there is no way out. Taking my dog outside and encountering people. Making small talk with people. Comparing my life to others’. There are so many things that trigger my heart pound, my breath to shorten, my gut to twist and turn, my body temperature to heat up, and to feel like there’s a 50 pound boulder on my chest.

Can you relate? I keep holding on to those saying like “It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey” or “Things will work out in the end, have faith” and, my favorite is the one that recommends in order for you to be happy is to let go of the over-thinking. Okay. Poof. I will. My anxiety is cured! Only if it was that easy.

Each day I struggle with anxiety, and I know a lot of people do too. Also, a lot of people think it’s just a “condition” for people to use as an excuse for them to play the victim. It’s so easy to use anxiety as an excuse, people say. Well, my word to you, don’t judge if you’ve never experienced this before. Like with people saying that ADHD, gluten allergies, or fibromyalgia is bullshit and just an excuse for people to excuse bad behavior or just an excuse for people to complain…look, if you have never experienced these conditions personally, then you have no room to judge…step back and do you.