Still the same

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I guess the overwhelming thoughts and anxiety had gotten the best of me. What do you do when it’s just too much to even vent about it?

Still lying awake at night, still uneasy all hours of the day, and my mind is still racing. How do you suppress these over active thoughts? It seems too much sometimes.

Sometimes, for no reason, my anxiety producing thoughts rule my life. How the hell do you change that?

My biggest fear

Change. I've been living this lie. Working a corporate job, making millions for top executives while I make pennies, contributing nothing to the world. Comfort. A steady paycheck. I hate it…my job has been my biggest anxiety trigger…but if it's change I fear, then it's change I need.

By the end of this month I will have completed the requirements to re-activate my massage therapy license. After that…I'm making the change to make my life better…more meaningful. It's been one talent that I've been praised for. Knowing what aches people is intuitive to me. It takes somebody who has endured this pain to know that I don't want others to feel the same. I'm not just talking about physical pain…but also mental pain. Nobody should feel the anxiety and depression that I feel. And my gift to the world, will help lessen that pain in others.

This starts my journey to stop playing the victim. To start making a difference in the world. To help other people.

Change is a scary thing because it's uncertain. But it only goes the path that you choose. If you go into with doubt, then you'll still live in fear. If you go into it with passion and determination, then you have nothing to lose.

I am going to try my hardest to stay positive and to realize that I'm making the best out of myself.

It's time…

The Monster in My Room

It hides in the darkness waiting until I fall asleep. In the middle of the night, it silently wakes me up. When it disturbs me in my sleep, it keeps its grasp on me…not letting me go. This monster makes my heart pound, makes my mind race…it keeps me up for hours. No matter how hard I try to fight it away, it holds on to me tight. If I do happen to fight it off, I'm only able to for a brief period of time before it awakens me again. I wish for just one night that the monster would stay away, to not show itself. Let me sleep.

But how far can this monster really go when it lives inside my mind.

It happens again…

Here I am. Again. Another sleepless night. What felt like maybe a couple minutes of sleep here and there, but mostly laying here consciously awake throughout the night.

Holding back on looking at my phone because I don't want to be disappointed that it's anywhere close to 5am. Gave in. Looked at it, and it was 5:20. Shit. No point in trying to go back to sleep since I have to get up in 40 minutes. Plus, my anxiety catches a hold of me each time I wake up. My anxiety does not like to sleep.

How do I control this? Kill this anxiety? Breathing techniques don't work for me.

I am ALWAYS waking up between 3am-5am…I know why…and I’m working on it!


What time do you always wake up in the middle of the night and what is that trying to tell you? Click the link below to find out:
http://www.rebelcircus.com/blog/often-awake-3-5-higher-power-might-trying-tell-something/

It never fails, and I'm not exaggerating…every night, for as long as I remember, I wake up in the middle of the night and the clock always reads a time between 3am-5am. EVERY night. And then my anxiety kicks in and I end up being up until I have to get up at 6 for my "job".

I am a believer in a higher power, not a religion, but a higher, spiritual power that connects us all to what is life. After reading this article, and other articles explaining the same thing…I believe it more than ever.

I have been slaving away in the corporate world as an accountant for a bank. Not contributing a damn thing to society. It drains me knowing my existence in that job is meaningless. That's the main cause of my anxiety…wondering if my purpose is more than just a 9-5 office worker. It's not.

A couple of years ago I successfully obtained my license to become a massage therapist. I found such a satisfaction in helping people. The gratitude I received made me smile with each client I helped. Knowing that I was on my way to becoming a healer. Being an individual whose purpose was to ease the pain of others. But unfortunately, the issue of money deterred me away of making it a career. So, back to the office I remained…unfulfilled and feeling worthless…letting my massage therapy license expire. Now where is my life going? More anxious days and nights I suppose. No! I will not make that my life!

I am currently in the process of re-activating my license so I can start practicing massage therapy again. Promote myself. Work for myself. Heal people again. Ease the anxiety in others. I know I won't be making the same money, but when you live for passion, the money will come to you. I will love with more satisfaction, with more happiness, knowing that I am a contributing member of the world.

Listen to your instinct. Listen to what calls you. Go to it. Whatever makes you happy, live for it. Don't live the dreams of others. Live yours.

MAGA

Thank you Donald for actually making America great again. For every bill you try to pass, people stand up against it. For every order you propose, more people protest it. For every immoral action you take, people are realizing their strength and rising up. You are starting movements all across America, and even across the world. Leaders, politicians, and even people from your own party are realizing what they truly stand for. Slowly, people are starting to really realize the true meaning of bigotry and are taking a stand. People are resisting because of you. People are fighting for what's right because of you. For every immoral, unethical action you try to put into place…people are pushing back ten-fold. Thank you for giving people a stage for which they can rise up higher…thank you for giving us reasons to become even STRONGER than before!

Heavy Mind

My mind gets heavier day by day. The weight of the world on my shoulders? No, the weight of my thoughts are heavier on my shoulders. When the world's problems around you seem minimal compared to the problems your mind is producing, it's a daunting feeling to figure out what the truth is.

You are not alone.

Battle scars

What do you do when you feel hopeless in life? When you feel your job is meaningless and you cannot find any way out in order to make a better life? Don't get me wrong, I know I'm a great person and a caring individual. I don't know why I was put on this earth. I don't just want a "job". I want meaning. Am I concentrating too hard on trying to align my passion with my life with a career…or is it as simple as finding out what makes me happy?

I've done the entire college life…messed that up by pursuing a major for job security and financial stability. I never took my passion/happiness into consideration. Then, not too long ago, I attempted grad school for a major that I was passionate about. Ended up dropping because I just couldn't do the college thing again! Papers. Classroom lectures. Taking pointless courses that have nothing to do with my desires. Going into even more debt. I don't want to do the college life again.

I could work on getting my massage license re-activated…but massage therapy is rarely a financially stable job. So much stress put on your body for too little compensation. I did love helping people and promoting relaxation. What else am I good at…besides overthinking in my head and getting myself down.

These are just the surface layer of the daily thoughts that go through my head daily.