Stop the Stigma!

In recognition of Suicide Awareness Month (1-800-273-8255):

The stigma needs to end…awareness does need to be made around mental health…more than 90% of those who commit suicide have a treatable mental health issue:

The stigma that having some mental health issue makes you weak, or less of a normal person, needs to be erased from society’s thoughts. Nobody should feel afraid or embarrassed to recognize that their mental health is just as important as their physical health. If a person feels that something is not physically right with their body, it is less than likely they will feel any shame in seeing a specialist. One should feel the same about their mental health. One should not feel embarrassed in trying to understand or make sense of their thoughts and emotions if they feel they don’t understand them or control them.

One shouldn’t feel obligated to publically admit their issues, just the same as one shouldn’t feel obligated to publically admit they have a physiological disease or ailment…the same “health privacy” concerns apply. However, one shouldn’t feel ashamed, embarrassed, or weak to seek help or treatment. Everyone has the right to be happy and live pain-free with themselves, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Don’t hide in shame, there are counselors everywhere willing to help. If you feel it’s an emergency, call 1-800-273-8255.

The stigma with mental health needs to end.

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Some things I feel I can do on my own. I’m extremely independent like that. But my mind is a mystery to me that even I don’t understand.

I made the effort to contact a counselor today in order to figure out how to heal this anxiety and depression. I just can’t help but think about the costs of each session. A majority of my anxiety stems from financial worries. Also, the potential waste of time trying to figure out if the counselor will be a good fit for me or even helpful in any way. The last counselor I saw a couple years ago acted as if she couldn’t care less if I was there. She was always glancing a the clock. I know finding the right counselor is a shot in the dark.

But I guess that’s the exact thing I need to do since I’m buried deep in this darkness.

My Path Towards Healing

It feels like the blood is boiling all the way up to your head to the point where your face gets so hot it feels like your head is going to explode. Your heart pumping harder, pumping more energy up somewhere to escape. Your brain can’t handle it. Your body needs to release it. It’s a physical strain but it’s a mental pain. The only thing you can do is try to stop thinking of what you’re thinking of, if you’ve been able to master this, and take a deep breath….the attack has subsided.

The feeling of anxiety exposed as it is happening…

My confession

Yesterday I wrote this on my social media for all my friends and family to see…it was a huge step for me to bring awareness and to hold myself accountable:

There are times you think you can handle stress by yourself. And, for some people, there are times you secretly rely on other options…dangerous options. There’s been a secret inside of me for so long, the way I’ve been dealing with my daily anxiety. And let me say, there is no reason to call me, text me or message me because I’m fine!

I guess, this is my confession…the anxiety was so bad that I relied on xanax so much to the point where I was dependent on it. Very dependent. I guess, pretty much an addict. This is me coming out with my addiction. I took it daily and nightly because it made my anxiety go away. I was addicted to not having the anxiety…but I knew the medication was probably killing me inside. I don’t want to be that addict, I don’t want to depend on drugs. With that said, I have been learning how to cope with anxiety in other ways. It’s been months since I’ve used medication to cope with the anxiety. I haven’t had anything for months!! And I have been feeling amazing! Again, there is no reason to call me, check up on me, or anything. I’m good lol. It takes a really strong person to admit their problems to the world.

Anxiety and depression is real. Addiction is real…and it’s not a disease. It’s a choice to use when you feel the need to. But it’s also your choice to get away from it. You don’t have to take that pill, or drink that drink, or do whatever you feel that needs to make you feel better about life.

I’m sorry to my family who just found out but I’m proud to admit my fault and own up to it. Also, I’m proud to say I’ve been doing better over the last couple of months getting done with this dependency.

We all need to start talking about mental health and realizing that it is a REAL THING. Most mental illnesses end up tragically…to the point where people brush it off as nothing that that person ends up taking their life. And it may not be your job to help the troubled one, but, if you care about someone and you know they’re having real trouble…reach out to them.

Be strong. Everyone is going through something. But not everyone deals with problems the way YOU think they should. It’s all about how you want to end up living your life in the end.

Damn, that was a lot off my chest…

Yes, I know there is no “cure” for anxiety, there are just ways to cope with it or lessen its severity. There has been something I’ve kept reading that has worked for me.

This past weekend I took a trip up to my hometown Erie, PA. It was nice to get out of the big city and it’s stress. I’ve taken weekends away up there before, but that isn’t what has calmed my anxiety.

I spent time with family, relaxing on the back deck in the late summer weather. Cool evening fires by the fire pit. Grilling and enjoying family time. I’ve done that many times before, but that hasn’t ever calmed my anxiety like this past trip has.

It was Sunday when me and the boyfriend planned on going kayaking on Presque Isle. The kayaks were packed up, we woke up at 9am, and headed out the the peninsula. Nature! Floating quietly in the lagoons. Wildlife. Clear, blue skies with the sun shining down on us. Getting lost in the twists and turns of the waterways. Seeing other kayakers out having a relaxing Sunday as well. The insects chirping and buzzing. Geese feeding on the water. The breeze was perfect. Connecting with nature and seeing it’s beauty and realizing THIS is life.

It was an escape in nature that has helped my anxiety. It’s only Tuesday, but my anxiety has been at an all time low in the longest time…I can’t remember when I felt this at ease for this long. My worries aren’t there anymore and I feel as if I have been re-set. I haven’t woken up in the middle of the night lately. I’ve actually gotten two good nights sleep over the past couple of days. It’s great! I’ve read that nature helps ease your mind and calms your stress…it has been a while since I’ve connected with nature and now I realize I need to do that more often.

The peace of nature has instilled the peace back into me. At least for now…now I know what to do when I start feeling stressed and anxious. Being outdoors away from the people and places that cause you stress. Escape into the world of nature. I mean…that is how we originally lived. Get back to your roots and connect with nature again.

Anxiety cure!…well, for now

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I guess the overwhelming thoughts and anxiety had gotten the best of me. What do you do when it’s just too much to even vent about it?

Still lying awake at night, still uneasy all hours of the day, and my mind is still racing. How do you suppress these over active thoughts? It seems too much sometimes.

Sometimes, for no reason, my anxiety producing thoughts rule my life. How the hell do you change that?

Still the same

Change. I've been living this lie. Working a corporate job, making millions for top executives while I make pennies, contributing nothing to the world. Comfort. A steady paycheck. I hate it…my job has been my biggest anxiety trigger…but if it's change I fear, then it's change I need.

By the end of this month I will have completed the requirements to re-activate my massage therapy license. After that…I'm making the change to make my life better…more meaningful. It's been one talent that I've been praised for. Knowing what aches people is intuitive to me. It takes somebody who has endured this pain to know that I don't want others to feel the same. I'm not just talking about physical pain…but also mental pain. Nobody should feel the anxiety and depression that I feel. And my gift to the world, will help lessen that pain in others.

This starts my journey to stop playing the victim. To start making a difference in the world. To help other people.

Change is a scary thing because it's uncertain. But it only goes the path that you choose. If you go into with doubt, then you'll still live in fear. If you go into it with passion and determination, then you have nothing to lose.

I am going to try my hardest to stay positive and to realize that I'm making the best out of myself.

It's time…

My biggest fear

It hides in the darkness waiting until I fall asleep. In the middle of the night, it silently wakes me up. When it disturbs me in my sleep, it keeps its grasp on me…not letting me go. This monster makes my heart pound, makes my mind race…it keeps me up for hours. No matter how hard I try to fight it away, it holds on to me tight. If I do happen to fight it off, I'm only able to for a brief period of time before it awakens me again. I wish for just one night that the monster would stay away, to not show itself. Let me sleep.

But how far can this monster really go when it lives inside my mind.

The Monster in My Room

Here I am. Again. Another sleepless night. What felt like maybe a couple minutes of sleep here and there, but mostly laying here consciously awake throughout the night.

Holding back on looking at my phone because I don't want to be disappointed that it's anywhere close to 5am. Gave in. Looked at it, and it was 5:20. Shit. No point in trying to go back to sleep since I have to get up in 40 minutes. Plus, my anxiety catches a hold of me each time I wake up. My anxiety does not like to sleep.

How do I control this? Kill this anxiety? Breathing techniques don't work for me.

It happens again…